I am feeling a bit under the weather today.. Sore throat and all..
I quite recently learned of the term FWB (Friends With Benefits). What kind of benefits? More on the sexual side. Hmmm..... I thought, if I were in that position, wouldn't I feel akward? I mean, here I am, having a great friendship with a great guy... And suddenly We started sleeping with each other... How am I ever gonna look at him the same way again? I guess I am old fashioned as I think that casual sex with a buddy will only complicate things more, especially in the long run.
Tuesday 1 November 2011
Thursday 20 October 2011
This feeling called JEALOUSY...
It is such a gloomy day today. To make things worse, I had to drive to UiTM campus in Shah Alam this afternoon. Alone. Sighhh..... Am so not in the mood to drive today.
What should I write about today? Frankly, I have no idea. Am lost for words. Ok.. I think I am going to tell you guys that last night, I told my good friend, who is a guy that I felt a slight hint of jealousy towards his girlfriend. Sheeesshh.... How could that even happened? I am supposed to be mature enough and rational enough not to mix these kinds of negative feelings in a friendship. Damn! A definite "Jiwa Kacau" moment. I felt so embarrassed after telling him that. Why did I ever opened my big mouth? I honestly don't know what to do. I planned to distance myself from him, until I got this crap sort out. But then, I know that I shall miss him. He is a great person to talk and to confide to. I feel that I can tell him things which I don't normally tell to another guy. But then, before this jealous feeling gets out of hand, I should be the one to pull the handbrake. Should I?
Damn it! What am I suppose to do??
What should I write about today? Frankly, I have no idea. Am lost for words. Ok.. I think I am going to tell you guys that last night, I told my good friend, who is a guy that I felt a slight hint of jealousy towards his girlfriend. Sheeesshh.... How could that even happened? I am supposed to be mature enough and rational enough not to mix these kinds of negative feelings in a friendship. Damn! A definite "Jiwa Kacau" moment. I felt so embarrassed after telling him that. Why did I ever opened my big mouth? I honestly don't know what to do. I planned to distance myself from him, until I got this crap sort out. But then, I know that I shall miss him. He is a great person to talk and to confide to. I feel that I can tell him things which I don't normally tell to another guy. But then, before this jealous feeling gets out of hand, I should be the one to pull the handbrake. Should I?
Damn it! What am I suppose to do??
Thursday 6 October 2011
Singlehood
Till death do us part
I was married for 11 years. Then God gave me my greatest test: MY DIVORCE. It was the biggest blow to me. For almost a year I just couldn't believe that I am no longer someone's wife. It was hard for me to adjust to my new found singledom, as I had been in relationships since I was 17. I never had any time alone. I guess I am like Jerry Maguire... I can't be alone. So, I was kinda naive and trusting, and hopeful too... That I might find a replacement soon. Well, as it turned out, that was my biggest mistake ever. I jumped into a few short lived relationships to discover that guys just think that a divorcee woman is just a desperate woman. And that these guys are just looking for a good time with no longterm commitment. Ouchh! That hurt my ego. But maybe there's some truth in the allegation.
After 4 years of being single and being in and out of disastrous relationships, I have finally come to terms with myself. I believe that God has better plans for me. If I am destined not to find a companion and to stay alone, then so be it. I put all my faith in God. I am sure that He will protect me. I stopped looking for love... For I have lots around me. I have my loving family, my BFFs, my colleagues and best of all I have His love.
After all, I found that I am happy being single. Having a man in my life tends to complicate things more. And I'm done with all the dramas. It's my turn to live MY life now.
But then again..... I will always have good faith in life.... Who knows what's gonna happen in the future.......
I was married for 11 years. Then God gave me my greatest test: MY DIVORCE. It was the biggest blow to me. For almost a year I just couldn't believe that I am no longer someone's wife. It was hard for me to adjust to my new found singledom, as I had been in relationships since I was 17. I never had any time alone. I guess I am like Jerry Maguire... I can't be alone. So, I was kinda naive and trusting, and hopeful too... That I might find a replacement soon. Well, as it turned out, that was my biggest mistake ever. I jumped into a few short lived relationships to discover that guys just think that a divorcee woman is just a desperate woman. And that these guys are just looking for a good time with no longterm commitment. Ouchh! That hurt my ego. But maybe there's some truth in the allegation.
After 4 years of being single and being in and out of disastrous relationships, I have finally come to terms with myself. I believe that God has better plans for me. If I am destined not to find a companion and to stay alone, then so be it. I put all my faith in God. I am sure that He will protect me. I stopped looking for love... For I have lots around me. I have my loving family, my BFFs, my colleagues and best of all I have His love.
After all, I found that I am happy being single. Having a man in my life tends to complicate things more. And I'm done with all the dramas. It's my turn to live MY life now.
But then again..... I will always have good faith in life.... Who knows what's gonna happen in the future.......
My first attempt to write a reading log... Hahaha
Reading log trial
House Opposite
I started reading this short story while in my Year 4 class. I took them to the library for their reading project and make full use of my somewhat "free time " to read.
When I first read a few lines in the first paragraph, I began to wonder who was the woman living opposite of the hermit's house? My first thought as I went on reading is that, she must be a prostitute. Especially when the hermit often saw many different men coming in and out of her house daily.
However, the writer's use of language and words slows my reading progress. I feel that he used many bombastic words and I am not used to reading written work like this. I am a leisure reader where most of my reading materials were of simple language.
While reading, I was tempted to stop and look up the words' meanings in the dictionary but I held back because I wanted to read the whole story first. But halfway through reading, my mind began to go astray. I guess I was kind of bored reading the story, with lengthy descriptions and unfamiliar words keep on emerging.
I had to focus back to where I left off and continued reading, but then again my mind started to wonder off again. I find it really hard to concentrate. Maybe because this kind of reading is not my cup of tea.
Nevertheless, the writer keeps me guessing how the story ends. Being me, I am the type of person who likes the ending of any stories or books or even movies to be settled. So, I couldn't really comprehend where the hermit was going? What happened to the woman in the opposite house? Did she keep on doing her job? Maybe I should re-read this story....... But then again......
House Opposite
I started reading this short story while in my Year 4 class. I took them to the library for their reading project and make full use of my somewhat "free time " to read.
When I first read a few lines in the first paragraph, I began to wonder who was the woman living opposite of the hermit's house? My first thought as I went on reading is that, she must be a prostitute. Especially when the hermit often saw many different men coming in and out of her house daily.
However, the writer's use of language and words slows my reading progress. I feel that he used many bombastic words and I am not used to reading written work like this. I am a leisure reader where most of my reading materials were of simple language.
While reading, I was tempted to stop and look up the words' meanings in the dictionary but I held back because I wanted to read the whole story first. But halfway through reading, my mind began to go astray. I guess I was kind of bored reading the story, with lengthy descriptions and unfamiliar words keep on emerging.
I had to focus back to where I left off and continued reading, but then again my mind started to wonder off again. I find it really hard to concentrate. Maybe because this kind of reading is not my cup of tea.
Nevertheless, the writer keeps me guessing how the story ends. Being me, I am the type of person who likes the ending of any stories or books or even movies to be settled. So, I couldn't really comprehend where the hermit was going? What happened to the woman in the opposite house? Did she keep on doing her job? Maybe I should re-read this story....... But then again......
Wednesday 17 August 2011
EUREKA!!!!!!!
I am the sort of person who seek for answers. When things go certain ways, I seek for answers. I seek to understand and comprehend matters, especially when it comes to religion.
Before I proceed, I must first apologize if what I write offends anybody as I am about to talk a little bit about religion here. Somehow, this issue is kinda sensitive but I feel that I have to share this with you all. You see, I was raised by my parents who are rigid when it comes to religion. It's all about You must do this... You must do that.. and when I questioned them why... I couldn't seem to get the lay-man answers from them. Being a rebellious child that I was back then... Whenever I was enforced on doing religious things, I rebelled, even though I did them anyways, but it was never because of God.. It was because of my parents and I had to do them. So, after a while, I began to resent them. As I get older, many events happened in my life, and I became very bitter and spiteful. My life was a mess on the inside. I felt empty even with friends and family surrounding me.
I kept seeking for answers. I questioned why must we pray five times a day? why must women wear hijab? why should we recite the Quran?... And why are the punishments for not doing them are so terrible in the after life? Frankly I admit, I am still struggling to commit to the 5 times a day prayers, in fact I even put it as one of my DOEs (Declaration Of Excellence) not long ago.
One day, as I went to my school office, I heard a "syarahan" by an ustaz being played on the pc. He said that, we Muslims must pray 5 times a day, any less than that can be considered as not counted at all. I thought to myself.... Damn it! does that mean all my efforts all this while are not counted at all??? Then I asked an ustaz in my school about it. He told me, by not praying 5 times a day, our prayers are not considered as complete. Same goes to fasting. If we just fast but not pray while fasting, all we got is just hunger and thirst. It's like it comes in a whole package. Again, I wondered why is it that way? I kept thinking to myself about this for days.
One day, I kinda got the answer... God sets the bar high for us so that we strive hard to achieve it. Because He made us as strong and powerful human beings. He wants us to be the best, get the best in everything. Therefore, the ibadah is like a practice for us to do... an exercise. By doing that, we become more disciplined with our lives and we got pahala as perks. But it is just us, being humans, that we just LOVE to set the bar lower for ourselves and justifying it with so many excuses. And frankly, it shows in real life situations (pointing at myself actually).
Well, I hope I am making some sense with this post. Just wanna share this with you. And I hope that I did not offend anybody. I still have a lot to learn in my life journey. I hope one day I will find the light. Insyaallah.
Before I proceed, I must first apologize if what I write offends anybody as I am about to talk a little bit about religion here. Somehow, this issue is kinda sensitive but I feel that I have to share this with you all. You see, I was raised by my parents who are rigid when it comes to religion. It's all about You must do this... You must do that.. and when I questioned them why... I couldn't seem to get the lay-man answers from them. Being a rebellious child that I was back then... Whenever I was enforced on doing religious things, I rebelled, even though I did them anyways, but it was never because of God.. It was because of my parents and I had to do them. So, after a while, I began to resent them. As I get older, many events happened in my life, and I became very bitter and spiteful. My life was a mess on the inside. I felt empty even with friends and family surrounding me.
I kept seeking for answers. I questioned why must we pray five times a day? why must women wear hijab? why should we recite the Quran?... And why are the punishments for not doing them are so terrible in the after life? Frankly I admit, I am still struggling to commit to the 5 times a day prayers, in fact I even put it as one of my DOEs (Declaration Of Excellence) not long ago.
One day, as I went to my school office, I heard a "syarahan" by an ustaz being played on the pc. He said that, we Muslims must pray 5 times a day, any less than that can be considered as not counted at all. I thought to myself.... Damn it! does that mean all my efforts all this while are not counted at all??? Then I asked an ustaz in my school about it. He told me, by not praying 5 times a day, our prayers are not considered as complete. Same goes to fasting. If we just fast but not pray while fasting, all we got is just hunger and thirst. It's like it comes in a whole package. Again, I wondered why is it that way? I kept thinking to myself about this for days.
One day, I kinda got the answer... God sets the bar high for us so that we strive hard to achieve it. Because He made us as strong and powerful human beings. He wants us to be the best, get the best in everything. Therefore, the ibadah is like a practice for us to do... an exercise. By doing that, we become more disciplined with our lives and we got pahala as perks. But it is just us, being humans, that we just LOVE to set the bar lower for ourselves and justifying it with so many excuses. And frankly, it shows in real life situations (pointing at myself actually).
Well, I hope I am making some sense with this post. Just wanna share this with you. And I hope that I did not offend anybody. I still have a lot to learn in my life journey. I hope one day I will find the light. Insyaallah.
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Dear SheTam... May you R.I.P
If you readers are my FB friends, you guys should know that I love dogs. In fact, some of yous might have a misconception that I even keep them as pets. Well let me get this straight.. Yes, I do have dogs at my house, in fact we kept 3. But they are NOT PETS. They serve as guard dogs as my house is among the houses which were frequently broken into. They don't stay inside the house. They sleep in their kennel during the day. But nevertheless, we love our dogs very very much and we know that they love us unconditionally too.
Well, early this morning, as I was about to send my daughter to school, one of the dogs, SheTam was hit by a car going too fast on a village road. The accident happened right in front of our eyes. She died on the spot due to severe head injury. My daughter and I were in complete shock to witness the accident. We were crying out hearts out for her. I had to go on to sending my daughter to school (my 2nd son is still recovering from chicken pox & my eldest went to school by bus) and had to leave SheTam to my parents' care. Later, she was buried near a cactus tree in the garden.
All along the way, my daughter was crying and crying as she loved SheTam the most, in fact, I do too. She was a dog with a loud bark but she was the most timid out of the three. She often got bullied by the other two and we were quick to went to her rescue. Sometimes, when I was feeling rather down, and she was around, we could just sit at the steps together and looked at each other... not uttering a single word. And I always felt better after that.
I hope she knows that we loved her very much and she will be missed. I pray to God that she is now in dog heaven and one day we shall meet her again. Even now, as I am posting this entry, I could not stop my tears from falling. I still could not believe that she is gone forever... But it is God's will that she is taken from us.
REST IN PEACE SheTAM.... WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU....
Well, early this morning, as I was about to send my daughter to school, one of the dogs, SheTam was hit by a car going too fast on a village road. The accident happened right in front of our eyes. She died on the spot due to severe head injury. My daughter and I were in complete shock to witness the accident. We were crying out hearts out for her. I had to go on to sending my daughter to school (my 2nd son is still recovering from chicken pox & my eldest went to school by bus) and had to leave SheTam to my parents' care. Later, she was buried near a cactus tree in the garden.
All along the way, my daughter was crying and crying as she loved SheTam the most, in fact, I do too. She was a dog with a loud bark but she was the most timid out of the three. She often got bullied by the other two and we were quick to went to her rescue. Sometimes, when I was feeling rather down, and she was around, we could just sit at the steps together and looked at each other... not uttering a single word. And I always felt better after that.
I hope she knows that we loved her very much and she will be missed. I pray to God that she is now in dog heaven and one day we shall meet her again. Even now, as I am posting this entry, I could not stop my tears from falling. I still could not believe that she is gone forever... But it is God's will that she is taken from us.
REST IN PEACE SheTAM.... WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU....
SheTam(right) & Sam when we first got them
Monday 15 August 2011
Out Damn Pox! Out I say!
I was lucky enough to have finally contracted the Chicken Pox last week. No thanks to my eldest son. In fact, I am still recovering as I am typing now. It was definitely an experience to remember. The worst part for me is not the itchiness of the pox, but the fever and the vomiting which came in the beginning. Now I know why it is better to catch it at a younger age. But there is always a positive side of it. I got a week's MC.. yeahhh!!! hasta la vista to work, baby!!!
When I first looked at the mirror, I was horrified to see my face!!! I thought... Damn!! there goes my hari raya this year. To go around visiting friends and relatives with 'polka dot' face is soooo not in my agenda. Call me shallow or what, but I sure want to look good on Hari Raya. But as time passes by, my face is not that bad. Sure, I have a few spots here and there, but they're manageable. I guess God has mercy on me and answered my prayers. Phewww!!...
When I first looked at the mirror, I was horrified to see my face!!! I thought... Damn!! there goes my hari raya this year. To go around visiting friends and relatives with 'polka dot' face is soooo not in my agenda. Call me shallow or what, but I sure want to look good on Hari Raya. But as time passes by, my face is not that bad. Sure, I have a few spots here and there, but they're manageable. I guess God has mercy on me and answered my prayers. Phewww!!...
Where do I begin???
Hmmm.... another attempt at blogging. Where do I even begin.. the last time I attempted to blog was for my class, where the blog carried 5% of the overall marks. then I totally stopped putting entry in it. So, here goes.....
I was born an only child. People will always think that being an only child means that I am very much pampered by my parents. Well.... THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. I had to work hard at things and to get get what I want, I sure as hell had to struggle. When I was small, I used to envy my friends for having things easy. I often thought that life wasn't being fair to me... boo hoo...
And being an only child also means that I have no idea how it's like having siblings. Life was kinda lonely and I talked to my pets and to myself most of the time. And I value my personal space. My room is my sanctuary. And now, I am often amazed whenever watching my 3 kids arguing like mad at a time and then soon, they made up and act as nothing had ever happened. So, being an only child is really not as great as people think... But then, I never had to share things with anyone. No hand-me-down clothes or books.
That's enough for tonight. having a sudden writer's block *yeah right* .....
I was born an only child. People will always think that being an only child means that I am very much pampered by my parents. Well.... THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. I had to work hard at things and to get get what I want, I sure as hell had to struggle. When I was small, I used to envy my friends for having things easy. I often thought that life wasn't being fair to me... boo hoo...
And being an only child also means that I have no idea how it's like having siblings. Life was kinda lonely and I talked to my pets and to myself most of the time. And I value my personal space. My room is my sanctuary. And now, I am often amazed whenever watching my 3 kids arguing like mad at a time and then soon, they made up and act as nothing had ever happened. So, being an only child is really not as great as people think... But then, I never had to share things with anyone. No hand-me-down clothes or books.
That's enough for tonight. having a sudden writer's block *yeah right* .....
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