It's no more fun

People seldom believe when I said that I am a teacher by profession. Well, I am. Since 2005. I was lucky to be posted to a primary school near my house. In my kampong. So, I began my new world as a teacher full of determination and hopes for the betterment of the pupils, anak bangsa sendiri and to be more specific, my own relatives. 

I started of my first 4 years successfully, I guess. I developed good relationships with my students. I considered them more as friends. Coz, I think that by being friends with them, I could get thru them easier. Teaching was fun back then. I looked forward to go to class and to conduct activities with them. I guess, I was the fun and sporting teacher. Then.... Shit started happening.. 

I have always been d different one. The odd one out. A fish out of pond here in my hometown. So, I guess, segelintir of the locals just couldn't stand it. Biasa la kan.. But the worst part is when they started attacking me personally. I noticed it started after my divorced. Having a J title doesn't help me proffesionally. Every little detail of what I did is put under a magnifying glass. A few parents just keep finding faults about me and some if the students are also rude and disrespectful. I even found out that a mom, who is my primary school friend, just hates me, just because.... I just could not understand why. I only have good intentions at heart. I treated her kids as my own. So, it really hurt me when I found out that she has been badmouthing me to people I don't even know. 

Agaknya, mentaliti orang kampung memang pelik, sampaikan YDP PIBG pun saja cari pasal with me. And when I keep getting attacked personally, I decided to just go to school and just teach whatever is required. I have lost the fire inside. I do pity the students. No doubt I love them very much, but again, I need to watch my backside too. I wouldn't want to get into any trouble. Even if my intentions are good.  Teaching is no fun anymore..... Sighhh.... 

It sucks being constantly misunderstood. 

That thing called Love...

Who would have thought.....

Everytime I looked at a couple inlove, or read about a love story, I've always wondered whether it is all true.... The truth is, I am a skeptic when comes to love. I believed that it is just a mere fiction created by people to deceive others in believing that there is such thing called LOVE. 

However, who would have thought that there comes a day when, Love finally found me..... In fact, it hit me right smack on the face. Hahahaha.... Serves me right for ever having doubt in the power in love. Now, I am a convert believer. Love has made me feel like a school girl again. I thank God for giving me the chance to be inlove again... 

Ok. Enough. I'm out of ideas to write. Until later...... Always keep the faith.. ;)

FWB....

I am feeling a bit under the weather today.. Sore throat and all.. 

I quite recently learned of the term FWB (Friends With Benefits). What kind of benefits? More on the sexual side. Hmmm..... I thought, if I were in that position, wouldn't I feel akward? I mean, here I am, having a great friendship with a great guy... And suddenly We started sleeping with each other... How am I ever gonna look at him the same way again? I guess I am old fashioned as I think that casual sex with a buddy will only complicate things more, especially in the long run. 

This feeling called JEALOUSY...

It is such a gloomy day today. To make things worse, I had to drive to UiTM campus in Shah Alam this afternoon. Alone. Sighhh..... Am so not in the mood to drive today. 

What should I write about today? Frankly, I have no idea. Am lost for words. Ok.. I think I am going to tell you guys that last night, I told my good friend, who is a guy that I felt a slight hint of jealousy towards his girlfriend. Sheeesshh.... How could that even happened? I am supposed to be mature enough and rational enough not to mix these kinds of negative feelings in a friendship. Damn! A definite "Jiwa Kacau" moment. I felt so embarrassed after telling him that. Why did I ever opened my big mouth? I honestly don't know what to do. I planned to distance myself from him, until I got this crap sort out. But then, I know that I shall miss him. He is a great person to talk and to confide to. I feel that I can tell him things which I don't normally tell to another guy. But then, before this jealous feeling gets out of hand, I should be the one to pull the handbrake. Should I?

Damn it! What am I suppose to do??

Singlehood

Till death do us part

I was married for 11 years. Then God gave me my greatest test: MY DIVORCE. It was the biggest blow to me. For almost a year I just couldn't believe that I am no longer someone's wife. It was hard for me to adjust to my new found singledom, as I had been in relationships since I was 17. I never had any time alone. I guess I am like Jerry Maguire... I can't be alone. So, I was kinda naive and trusting, and hopeful too... That I might find a replacement soon. Well, as it turned out, that was my biggest mistake ever. I jumped into a few short lived relationships to discover that guys just think that a divorcee woman is just a desperate woman. And that these guys are just looking for a good time with no longterm commitment. Ouchh! That hurt my ego. But maybe there's some truth in the allegation. 

After 4 years of being single and being in and out of disastrous relationships, I have finally come to terms with myself. I believe that God has better plans for me. If I am destined not to find a companion and to stay alone, then so be it. I put all my faith in God. I am sure that He will protect me. I stopped looking for love... For I have lots around me. I have my loving family, my BFFs, my colleagues and best of all I have His love. 

After all, I found that I am happy being single. Having a man in my life tends to complicate things more. And I'm done with all the dramas. It's my turn to live MY life now. 

But then again..... I will always have good faith in life.... Who knows what's gonna happen in the future....... 

My first attempt to write a reading log... Hahaha

Reading log trial

House Opposite

I started reading this short story while in my Year 4 class. I took them to the library for their reading project and make full use of my somewhat "free time " to read. 

When I first read a few lines in the first paragraph, I began to wonder who was the woman living opposite of the hermit's house? My first thought as I went on reading is that, she must be a prostitute. Especially when the hermit often saw many different men coming in and out of her house daily.

However, the writer's use of language and words slows my reading progress. I feel that he used many bombastic words and I am not used to reading written work like this. I am a leisure reader where most of my reading materials were of simple language. 

While reading, I was tempted to stop and look up the words' meanings in the dictionary but I held back because I wanted to read the whole story first. But halfway through reading, my mind began to go astray. I guess I was kind of bored reading the story, with lengthy descriptions and unfamiliar words keep on emerging. 

I had to focus back to where I left off and continued reading, but then again my mind started to wonder off again. I find it really hard to concentrate. Maybe because this kind of reading is not my cup of tea. 

Nevertheless, the writer keeps me guessing how the story ends. Being me, I am the type of person who likes the ending of any stories or books or even movies to be settled. So, I couldn't really comprehend where the hermit was going? What happened to the woman in the opposite house? Did she keep on doing her job? Maybe I should re-read this story....... But then again......

EUREKA!!!!!!!

I am the sort of person who seek for answers. When things go certain ways, I seek for answers. I seek to understand and comprehend matters, especially when it comes to religion.

Before I proceed, I must first apologize if what I write offends anybody as I am about to talk a little bit about religion here. Somehow, this issue is kinda sensitive but I feel that I have to share this with you all. You see, I was raised by my parents who are rigid when it comes to religion. It's all about You must do this... You must do that.. and when I questioned them why... I couldn't seem to get the lay-man answers from them. Being a rebellious child that I was back then... Whenever I was enforced on doing religious things, I rebelled, even though I did them anyways, but it was never because of God.. It was because of my parents and I had to do them. So, after a while, I began to resent them. As I get older, many events happened in my life, and I became very bitter and spiteful. My life was a mess on the inside. I felt empty even with friends and family surrounding me.

I kept seeking for answers. I questioned why must we pray five times a day? why must women wear hijab? why should we recite the Quran?... And why are the punishments for not doing them are so terrible in the after life? Frankly I admit, I am still struggling to commit to the 5 times a day prayers, in fact I even put it as one of my DOEs (Declaration Of Excellence) not long ago.

One day, as I went to my school office, I heard a "syarahan" by an ustaz being played on the pc. He said that, we Muslims must pray 5 times a day, any less than that can be considered as not counted at all. I thought to myself.... Damn it! does that mean all my efforts all this while are not counted at all??? Then I asked an ustaz in my school about it. He told me, by not praying 5 times a day, our prayers are not considered as complete. Same goes to fasting. If we just fast but not pray while fasting, all we got is just hunger and thirst. It's like it comes in a whole package. Again, I wondered why is it that way? I kept thinking to myself about this for days.

One day, I kinda got the answer... God sets the bar high for us so that we strive hard to achieve it. Because He made us as strong and powerful human beings. He wants us to be the best, get the best in everything. Therefore, the ibadah is like a practice for us to do... an exercise. By doing that, we become more disciplined with our lives and we got pahala as perks.  But it is just us, being humans, that we just LOVE to set the bar lower for ourselves and justifying it with so many excuses. And frankly, it shows in real life situations (pointing at myself actually).

Well, I hope I am making some sense with this post. Just wanna share this with you. And I hope that I did not offend anybody. I still have a lot to learn in my life journey. I hope one day I will find the light. Insyaallah.