COMPETING FOR LIFE...

As long as I can remember, I was brought up to be very competitive... in every aspect of life. I always have to do the best, be the best... and produce the best results. Back then, my favorite number was 1. Other numbers weren't an option. If I didn't become the 1st, then I have failed. When I played a game, or entered a competition, I expected myself to win. So, if I knew that I had a slim chance of winning, I wouldn't even bother to participate. I remembered coming home from school back in 1981 (I was in standard 1) with the end of year exam result in my bag.... trying hard to hold my tears.... because I had gotten the 2nd place in the classroom. At home, I hugged my late grandma and cried my heart out. I really felt like life was not worth living anymore (when I thought about it, it was crazy for a 7 yr old to have that kind of feeling at that moment). 

And being constantly compared to my then best friend also put a tremendous pressure on me to excel in life. My room would never be as clean as hers, I would never be as prim and proper as she is, my handwriting would never be as neat as hers..... and the list went on and on... (damn tiring)... somehow or rather, with of us grew out of our friendship.... (I dunno why, perhaps the competing part was too taxing for me...).. And until now, I cringed at the mere sound of the name, or listening to stories about her perfect life... (I am awful.. I know)

I had a very rebellious teenage life... Just because I can... I guess it was a way for me to retaliate against all the pressure to be the perfect person that I felt growing up.... It scares me when I thought back at what stupid fucked up things I've done in the past just because... The stress and heartache I've put on other people... 

Then one day, back when I was in college, I had an epiphany and asked myself why do I need to be the best at everything??? What am I competing for actually?? I guess that I had reached a limit where I couldn't take it anymore. I told myself, to stop looking at others' results and start looking at my own. So, I started to study at my own pace, to face life as I go... But the best part of this realization was I came to terms with my flaws, my weaknesses, my failures and embraced them as me. Being a perfectionist is very exhausting and unachievable ... as we mere humans were not made to be flawless.... Its our flaws, our imperfections, our limitations that made us the "perfect" beings created by God.

Now, as I am older, I realized that I could never forgo my perfectionist side, but I am more aware about it... I kept reminding myself that I am not perfect, no one is.... And it is okay.

As I have kids of my own, I would never compare them, either with their friends, cousins, or each other. For me, they are unique in their own way. I don't want them to feel that they are not good enough for anything. I would always be rooting for them. I want them to live their life fearlessly, to be brave to make mistakes and to learn from them. I pray hard that they would grow up to be stable, full of integrity, compassionate, strong and most importantly HAPPY...

So, till the next post...