COMPETING FOR LIFE...

As long as I can remember, I was brought up to be very competitive... in every aspect of life. I always have to do the best, be the best... and produce the best results. Back then, my favorite number was 1. Other numbers weren't an option. If I didn't become the 1st, then I have failed. When I played a game, or entered a competition, I expected myself to win. So, if I knew that I had a slim chance of winning, I wouldn't even bother to participate. I remembered coming home from school back in 1981 (I was in standard 1) with the end of year exam result in my bag.... trying hard to hold my tears.... because I had gotten the 2nd place in the classroom. At home, I hugged my late grandma and cried my heart out. I really felt like life was not worth living anymore (when I thought about it, it was crazy for a 7 yr old to have that kind of feeling at that moment). 

And being constantly compared to my then best friend also put a tremendous pressure on me to excel in life. My room would never be as clean as hers, I would never be as prim and proper as she is, my handwriting would never be as neat as hers..... and the list went on and on... (damn tiring)... somehow or rather, with of us grew out of our friendship.... (I dunno why, perhaps the competing part was too taxing for me...).. And until now, I cringed at the mere sound of the name, or listening to stories about her perfect life... (I am awful.. I know)

I had a very rebellious teenage life... Just because I can... I guess it was a way for me to retaliate against all the pressure to be the perfect person that I felt growing up.... It scares me when I thought back at what stupid fucked up things I've done in the past just because... The stress and heartache I've put on other people... 

Then one day, back when I was in college, I had an epiphany and asked myself why do I need to be the best at everything??? What am I competing for actually?? I guess that I had reached a limit where I couldn't take it anymore. I told myself, to stop looking at others' results and start looking at my own. So, I started to study at my own pace, to face life as I go... But the best part of this realization was I came to terms with my flaws, my weaknesses, my failures and embraced them as me. Being a perfectionist is very exhausting and unachievable ... as we mere humans were not made to be flawless.... Its our flaws, our imperfections, our limitations that made us the "perfect" beings created by God.

Now, as I am older, I realized that I could never forgo my perfectionist side, but I am more aware about it... I kept reminding myself that I am not perfect, no one is.... And it is okay.

As I have kids of my own, I would never compare them, either with their friends, cousins, or each other. For me, they are unique in their own way. I don't want them to feel that they are not good enough for anything. I would always be rooting for them. I want them to live their life fearlessly, to be brave to make mistakes and to learn from them. I pray hard that they would grow up to be stable, full of integrity, compassionate, strong and most importantly HAPPY...

So, till the next post... 

F.R.A.N.C.E (Friendship Remains And Can Never End)

As I am the only child, I've always considered my friends as my siblings. They had made a big impact on my life, my choices, my mood, I felt that I am completely dependent on them. I would get really emotional whenever there were issues, or anything unpleasant arose between me and my friends.

But somehow or rather, as I got older and somewhat wiser, I have learned that I don't need a lot of friends. Yes, I still do have friends (mind you, I am just an introvert but not a hermit), but I keep only a few close to me. The chosen ones. Those whom I know would not judge me, and who would tell it straight to my face whenever I've fucked up. The ones who would support me no matter what and vice versa. BUT THE BEST PART IS: I FOUND OUT THAT I AM MY BESTEST FRIEND!!! Nowadays, I am very content just being with myself, having me time, talking to myself, being in my own company. I am at peace with me.

So, the saying that Friendship Remains And Can Never End is relatively true in my case. As I could never grow out of friendship with my own self.

Till next time...

WHAT'S NEXT?????

It has been a looooonnnggggggggg time since i sat down and scribble something in this blog. I guess, i have nothing interesting to share online anymore. I'm just living a mundane life....... -sighhh-

But wait.....

I have finally finished my Masters Degree... After 5 longgg treacherous years of studying and working and being a mom and a wife, I finally managed to complete it. And with good grades too. Hey, that's not bad considering the many many times I thought of just quitting. When I got the call from my Supervisor telling me that I have passed my dissertation, I felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. What a relief it was....

Now, my next projects are to organize my home, read tons and tons of storybooks, ohh!!! catch up on my pending schoolwork (yes, i have much unfinished work... such a lazy bum I am), travel (how I wish), write blog entries and try catch up on some snooze.

But then again.... I'm already thinking of what is next??? PhD perhaps?????

WRITER'S BLOCK

I used to be able to express my thoughts as i write.. Now, its all jumbled up, mixed up... Whenever i attempt to write, even when i want to update my fb, i get lost for words...

Helpppp!!! Having a writer's block? Or am i beginning to build walls around me again....

It's no more fun

People seldom believe when I said that I am a teacher by profession. Well, I am. Since 2005. I was lucky to be posted to a primary school near my house. In my kampong. So, I began my new world as a teacher full of determination and hopes for the betterment of the pupils, anak bangsa sendiri and to be more specific, my own relatives. 

I started of my first 4 years successfully, I guess. I developed good relationships with my students. I considered them more as friends. Coz, I think that by being friends with them, I could get thru them easier. Teaching was fun back then. I looked forward to go to class and to conduct activities with them. I guess, I was the fun and sporting teacher. Then.... Shit started happening.. 

I have always been d different one. The odd one out. A fish out of pond here in my hometown. So, I guess, segelintir of the locals just couldn't stand it. Biasa la kan.. But the worst part is when they started attacking me personally. I noticed it started after my divorced. Having a J title doesn't help me proffesionally. Every little detail of what I did is put under a magnifying glass. A few parents just keep finding faults about me and some if the students are also rude and disrespectful. I even found out that a mom, who is my primary school friend, just hates me, just because.... I just could not understand why. I only have good intentions at heart. I treated her kids as my own. So, it really hurt me when I found out that she has been badmouthing me to people I don't even know. 

Agaknya, mentaliti orang kampung memang pelik, sampaikan YDP PIBG pun saja cari pasal with me. And when I keep getting attacked personally, I decided to just go to school and just teach whatever is required. I have lost the fire inside. I do pity the students. No doubt I love them very much, but again, I need to watch my backside too. I wouldn't want to get into any trouble. Even if my intentions are good.  Teaching is no fun anymore..... Sighhh.... 

It sucks being constantly misunderstood. 

That thing called Love...

Who would have thought.....

Everytime I looked at a couple inlove, or read about a love story, I've always wondered whether it is all true.... The truth is, I am a skeptic when comes to love. I believed that it is just a mere fiction created by people to deceive others in believing that there is such thing called LOVE. 

However, who would have thought that there comes a day when, Love finally found me..... In fact, it hit me right smack on the face. Hahahaha.... Serves me right for ever having doubt in the power in love. Now, I am a convert believer. Love has made me feel like a school girl again. I thank God for giving me the chance to be inlove again... 

Ok. Enough. I'm out of ideas to write. Until later...... Always keep the faith.. ;)

FWB....

I am feeling a bit under the weather today.. Sore throat and all.. 

I quite recently learned of the term FWB (Friends With Benefits). What kind of benefits? More on the sexual side. Hmmm..... I thought, if I were in that position, wouldn't I feel akward? I mean, here I am, having a great friendship with a great guy... And suddenly We started sleeping with each other... How am I ever gonna look at him the same way again? I guess I am old fashioned as I think that casual sex with a buddy will only complicate things more, especially in the long run.